Why I Was The Problem In Our Marriage: A Journey of Self-Discovery and Marital Growth

For over six months, the headline “Why I Was The Problem In Our Marriage” has echoed in my mind. It’s a deeply personal admission, one I’ve been hesitant to share, but the lessons learned are too profound to keep to myself. This isn’t a story of a failing marriage, but rather a candid look at the moments when even the happiest relationships face challenges, and how a shift in perspective can lead to remarkable transformation.

My husband, Cade, and I have shared nearly 15 incredible years of marriage. It feels like just yesterday we were exchanging vows, wide-eyed and full of dreams. Where did the time go? And these three wonderful children? Life has a way of sweeping you up in its current. Sometimes, within the rhythm of a long-term relationship, you might feel like you’re pulling in one direction, focused on a shared goal, while your significant other seems miles away, oblivious to the demands around them. Or at least, that’s what you might perceive.

Embracing Vulnerability: My Marital Revelation

When we first said “I do,” I never imagined I’d be writing an article like this. I certainly never envisioned acknowledging that, despite my immense love for Cade, I didn’t marry a perfect man. Of course, logically, that should have been evident. But in the early days of infatuation, I saw only the good, convinced that nothing could ever truly bother me. Yet, here we are, navigating the beautiful, messy reality of shared life.

I want to be clear: Cade and I are genuinely happy. We understand each other, collaborate effectively, and cherish our time together. Our marriage is strong and full of love. However, this doesn’t mean we haven’t experienced periods of simply going through the motions, or that we always see eye-to-eye. Like any couple, we face stress, distractions, and moments where patience wears thin, leading to irritability or annoyance. In fact, there are times we flat-out bug each other, and it’s from one of these moments that my pivotal realization began.

The Breaking Point: When Stress Took Over

There was a period when the demands of my blog and our growing brand became overwhelming. We had pressing deadlines for various projects and our Oh Sweet Basil Cookbook that absolutely had to be met. As the primary photographer, the bulk of this responsibility rested squarely on my shoulders. The stress mounted, creating a palpable tension in the air. I was swamped, feeling increasingly frustrated, and in my perception, Cade seemed oblivious to my plight. He was in the playroom, happily engaged with our children, when suddenly, I felt it – a surge of fiery anger. I was ready to unleash my frustration and make him fully aware of my exasperation.

I dropped what I was doing, marched into the playroom, and with a look I’m sure many can envision, I proceeded to tell Cade in no uncertain terms that he was not being helpful. I demanded that he take notice of the situation and step up to assist. My words cut through the air, sharp and unyielding, yet I turned and walked away without any attempt to resolve the immediate tension. Later, Cade approached me, offering an apology that humbled me. His exact words were, “I’ll try to be better. I am trying to be better. I know I can be, but I just get caught up sometimes. I’m sorry.” In that moment, his grace and understanding shone brightly, making me realize he possesses a quiet strength and humility that often surpasses my own.

The Profound Truth: We Marry Potential, Not Perfection

Just a few weeks after that intense encounter, I heard something that resonated deeply, illuminating exactly why I had been the problem in our marriage during that particular moment. In an inspiring address titled, Meeting the Challenges of Today’s World, Robert D. Hales shared a profound truth: “None of us marry perfection; we marry potential.” Did you feel that ripple of understanding? I certainly did. It was a revelation that brought goosebumps.

I hadn’t married someone who was perfect in every way, though at the time, he felt perfect *for me*. Instead, I married someone with whom I knew I could grow and evolve. The core issue was that, over time, I had slowly forgotten this fundamental truth. I forgot that, just like me, Cade was on his own journey of becoming the person he desired to be. Somewhere along the way, we often lose sight of this process and begin to focus solely on where our partner falls short, rather than celebrating their efforts and potential.

Consider a baby learning to walk. Our youngest was 15 months old and finally driven by an intense desire to use his legs independently. He stumbled and fell countless times throughout the day, and what was our reaction? We cheered for him! We celebrated every attempt: when he stood up unsteadily, when he paused, frozen mid-step, and especially when he took those brave, wobbly steps, no matter how few. And when he fell? That’s when our cheers were the loudest! He was trying, pushing past his limits, and we wanted him to know that his effort was a wonderful thing, and that he had our unwavering love and support. This powerful analogy highlighted my own marital blind spot.

Choosing to Cheer: Cultivating a Supportive Partnership

This is where the transformative work truly begins: learning to see the person you married through fresh, appreciative eyes. I had allowed myself to perceive Cade as someone who was falling short, rather than a man diligently striving to move forward in his own growth journey. Imagine how different our world would be if we all viewed each other not just for who we are today, but for the magnificent individuals we have the potential to become? What if we saw the boisterous teenager as the brilliant musician they would one day develop into? Or the exhausted husband, not just as tired, but as the man who lovingly bathes his wife every day, embodying devotion and pure-heartedness?

That’s precisely what Cade needed from me – not only to acknowledge his potential but to actively show him that I saw it. Now, I make a conscious effort throughout the week to point out what Cade is doing right. If he’s immersed in play with our children, I’ll mention how wonderful it is to be married to someone who deeply values his kids and makes them feel important. If he’s tackling a household repair, I compliment his attentiveness to what needs to be done around the house or his admirable willingness to work hard, even after a long and draining day. Even if he’s simply relaxing, and could technically be doing something else, I still tell him how much I adore him and how grateful I am for his hard work throughout the week.

In fact, I frequently and openly tell Cade that I see his immense potential. I share with him that I observe his efforts to be a conscientious employee, to embody the kind of husband who deeply honors and respects his wife. I assure him that he possesses such remarkable capabilities and that I am incredibly grateful to embark on this life journey alongside him. And you know what? This shift in my approach led to something that genuinely surprised and delighted me.

The Unexpected Harvest: Receiving More Than I Gave

Cade is naturally an easygoing person. He avoids gossip (he genuinely dislikes it) and often keeps his thoughts to himself. However, the more love, encouragement, and affirmation I consistently offered him, the more I started to receive in return. This wasn’t an overnight phenomenon; relationships, much like men, sometimes take a little longer to respond. Yet, with patience and time, Cade, in his own unique way, began to reciprocate. I noticed him complimenting me, offering encouragement, and actively appreciating my efforts. Our once-stressful months dedicated to the cookbook work transformed into a period of shared joy and deepened connection.

This experience taught me a universal truth: both men and women, all individuals, crave words of affirmation. Whether we consciously admit it or not, we all yearn to feel that we are improving, that we are better today than yesterday, more successful than last year, and happier than ever before. This desire for growth and recognition is a fundamental human need that, when met within a relationship, can unlock incredible connection and happiness.

Whether your marriage is like ours – happy and thriving, yet always seeking new ways to nurture love and connection – or if you find yourself among the many friends and readers who express feelings of despair, believing their marriages are crumbling with no hope in sight, please know this: there is always hope. You might be surprised to discover that often, a relationship feels strained simply because it yearns for a little gentle care and softening. And once you provide that nurturing, that kindness, and that recognition of potential, you will receive all of that softness, love, and joy back a hundredfold. It’s an investment that always yields the richest returns.